Unveiling the Spell SAGA
PART 2 (of 4)

I remember vividly when I joined that spiritual family for the first time to live together in Bali. 

I was so excited because it was my dream to share everything I had learned with the sisters with them, spending time all together in rituals, meditation and dancing, like a proper spiritual community. Creating a world of joy and celebration.

But little did I know… because what happened after that was a mix of “purifying my shadow aspects (I don’t even know if I resonate with that statement anymore, but for ease of understanding, I will keep it at that) and being indoctrinated into what some have called a spiritual cult.

Play, freedom of expression, and sensuality… were out the window. Those people were quite firm in their beliefs and on “how one should be as a spiritual person,” and I did not fit into that box.

So on one side of the coin there was certainly a needed rebalancing and purification happening, as I was outsourcing my self-worth in external validation. And I am grateful that these aspects were reflected to me (over and over) so that I could alchemize them.

However, there was also a part of me that was naturally getting attention, that was naturally sexy and bold and liked to speak her truth and show up in her confidence. Now that part was also not welcome anymore. Anything that was not in alignment with what the beliefs of this spiritual grouping were, was not welcome anymore and was labeled as “shadow” and “impure,”… so to be honest, basically ALL OF ME.

Since a wild, free, opulent, confident, mischievous, ambiguous, sexy red feminine was certainly not on the menu.

I remember one time we had a party at our place in Bali, and someone complimented me on the Dress that my partner had gifted me. I simply received the compliment and said: “Thank you.” After the party, we were sitting on the couch, and I was told how I should have said, “Thank you, my beloved gifted that to me,” and how interesting it was that I just took on the compliment.

Slowly I began to feel ashamed of my self-assurance. I began to feel they were not okay and that I was arrogant, and that something was wrong with me. I actually started to dislike myself and anything to do with Miriam (my formal birthname that I changed when I entered the community). 

I believed she was not okay and that everything before my life with the spiritual family was a shadow that needed to be purified.

I wanted to get rid of my past and have nothing to do with it anymore. I wanted to be pure and holy, to be unconditional love and light, to be a representation of the divine mother. To always be loving and compassionate and forgiving…

So there it was when the essence of my natural expression and the wildfire of Gaia was overlayed with a heavily imprinted spiritual dogma of light and love, disconnected from the body, flying high in the upper chakras.

Slowly and surely, Miriam was being suppressed and hidden, with the belief that I was healing and deconditioning my shadow and lower chakras.

And what followed were months of lethargy, feeling tired, heavy, and uninspired.

Keep reading in part 3.